“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.” -Helen Keller
“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” -Calvin Coolidge
“I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate.” -Vincent van Gogh
“You know Josh Lewis, I have to say you have a way of alienating people who want to be your friend.” -Michael
Trip Details: Destination: Palmer Mountain Elevation Gain: About 4,500 Feet (I did a little extra by mistake) Time: 10 Hours Distance: 5.5 miles? When: March 20, 2011
This was a bitter sweet experience, a mix of adventure, irresponsibility, beauty, disappointment, and a bad resolution. I wanted to say the trip was great, but that would not be accurate. Anyways…
The idea came about when looking at maps of what peak would be a good once. Palmer Mountain looked like a decent one considering avalanche danger was high, then I found Matt’s trip report which had me further convinced that this would be a good choice. So I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to get an early alpine start which on the way to the mountain there were some lovely sky colors, sadly trees covered much of the view.
After a ways up a few minor views poked through the trees which got me excited, and I knew that there would be more views further up the mountain. Later on we reached the quarry which we ended up going the wrong way by taking a left and went up a ridge which seemed like it might be dangerous. We backed off it and then headed all the way back to the road. Once on the other side of the quarry hopes for making the summit seemed to dwindle. One of my partners was not pleased with the mountain I had chosen, I suppose one could say I have old fashion values and prefer to earn my views. We then started going up the ridge to the right which was the real way to avoid the query.
Merchant Peak
Team confidence seemed to go down the tube, I knew that us making it was not based on how fast we got to our current position. It would have everything to do with our team effort, attitude, and lack of hesitations. But despite my attempts of encouragements it seemed hopeless. As we were going up we got to a slope where one of our party members felt uncomfortable, so they decided they were not going any further. This is were a big misunderstanding took place, as well as the beginning of a irresponsible move on my part. Earlier on XDiablox and I would have went on ahead when the other partner wanted to stay behind, but then XDiablox decided to stay behind as well. So then if anyone of us was to summit, I would be the only one. And I applied the same rules as if I was with someone. Not only that, it would be a long time before I saw the group again.
The Slope of Concern
Hurrying up the slope pushing on, I knew now there was no time for hesitation. I had to make every moment and every second precious, the voices in your head that command you, almost as if in a completely different state of mind. When becoming very thirsty I would only drink when necessary, effort was now maximum and from here on out there was no surrendering. No matter how things went.
Bing Peak
SouthEast View
As I get higher and higher up the mountain I get more clearings which the excitement now was growing more than ever. In a small sense me pressing on was a “I’ll show you guys this is not some lame mountain that is viewless” and part of me figured that perhaps eventually they would be getting bored back there and follow along my tracks to see what the mountain has to offer. I also thought of how I seem to be the only one these days with so many attempts on small mountains with no success. It was getting to me, but not just that, I was having the time of my life.
Water Ice on the Cliffs
I came across a interesting spot where there was a bit of a cornice and steep sections on either side, but with a bit of cation I managed fine to cross over it. The views really came about which the clouds all around were blowing around, mountains were glowing, and I couldn’t help but take a look at them and of course photograph them.
Cornice Full View
I had to be quite persistent if I wanted to possibly make the summit, when I finally caught a glimpse of the summit I figured “Ok, there’s no way now that I’m backing down”. But then as I was plowing snow I then got one of the worst cases of cramps I have ever gotten. It was horrendous, I was yelling, moaning, almost to the point of tears which now moving anywhere was difficult. “Blazes! I’m so close! So close! This can’t be happening now!” I then took another step and sure enough the same horrible cramp which now had me stalled. I then forced as much water down as I possibly could, and managed to be able to slowly proceed, and eventually get back to almost full speed although with being careful.
Shifting Sky
I knew time had passed, and it did occur to me that perhaps I should turn around, but then I would look up and see the summit just a few hundred feet above me. Almost as if teasing me. The slope now became much nicer with heavily wind loaded snow which made travel a lot easier. Then I came across the spot which I had to lower into the gully. The words did echo in me “turn around, this doesn’t seem safe with the cornice over hanging”. Heart pumping with the decision wavering through my mind, unsure what to do. But then I looked over and could see the cornice was off to the side and that the snow was very solid, so I proceeded. I decided to ditch my snowshoes in the gully due to the very solid snow. Then I ascended the gully, and made a slow motion dash for the last part of the ridge to the summit.
Wildsky Wilderness Panorama
I was wildly excited to have made it, the views were stupendous! I personally liked this mountain more than Evergreen and some of the others in the area. The winds on the summit made me feel quite cold fast, so I had to get down, have a snack and then start the descent. My hands were numb by this point which interest in photography was lost for a while.
Summit Pathway
As I went down the slope I started to sing a song: “I want to run I want to hide I want to tear down the walls That hold me inside. I want to reach out And touch the flame Where the streets have no name.
I want to feel sunlight on my face I see the dust cloud disappear Without a trace I want to take shelter from the poison rain Where the streets have no name” –Where the Streets Have No Name by U2
I felt like I was having the time of my life, there something about suffering, pushing yourself limits, the experience, the beauty that makes it so worth while. I wish the world could see what I see. There is so much more I could say, but words are not enough…
Once out of the gully I then put my snowshoes back on and make a hurry out of there. Unfortunately my snowshoes once again fell off. And sure enough they were frozen which means I would have to take off my gloves and break the ice with my hands in the wind which then got very cold. After managing to get them back off I fall in a snow hole which again they fall off. “I really got to get some msr’s” I mutter to myself as I pull as hard as I could to get them back on. I now was racing down the mountain. The thought did cross my mind “Are they going to be ticked off at me?” which I dodged the question and just focused on going down. More cramps once again came back making travel down a choir.
Looking Down
After much rushing, falling on my face, falling in snow holes, and all that jazz I eventually got to the spot I left them. My snowshoes fells off which I decided to finally put them away. They were not there which I worried now whether they were ok or not. At the bottom of the ridge I finally saw them which I was relieved. Once they saw me they kept on walking which I had a bit of troubles just catching up to them while I was not wearing snowshoes and was so tired. When I finally caught up to them the tone of the trip changed, “Don’t talk to me” I was told which I then stepped away. I was told that I had been up there for 5 hours! I must have lost track of time when I was up there, as well as the troubles on the way down that I encountered.
The group was very much worried for me, they said if I was gone a hour longer they possibly would have called search and rescue. They proceeded descending. I felt quite guilty for this, I was so careless to ponder on what the actual outcome would be. I put possibilities over what I should have figured would have happened.
“But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you? And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you? What happens when you become the main source of the pain?
Josh Lewis’s Climbing this mountain, this mountain ain’t gonna climb itself That’s Josh Lewis, yeah!, Josh Lewis’s crazy And when I’m gone, just carry on, don’t mourn Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice Just know that I’m looking down on you smiling And I didn’t feel a thing, So don’t feel my pain Just smile back
You’ve got one more chance to do right – and it’s tonight Now go out there and show that you love ’em before it’s too late And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door It’s turns to a stage, they’re gone, and this spotlight is on
It’s too late Josh Lewis, you made the choice Now go out there and show ’em that you love ’em more than us” That’s what you want, the voices in your head keep screamin your name, they calling you for adventure It’s no wonder you can’t go to sleep And No surprise you Weep How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me?…” –When I’m Gone by Eminem (Modified by Me)
For the rest of the trip I felt quite bitter, knowing that I made a bad move, my friends trip was ruined, and I was very tired. It was hard to maintain what was left of my positive attitude which the seriousness of my situation finally dawned on me. The seriousness that my friends would not want to go on trips with me in a long time, the seriousness that I am compelled and so passionate for adventure, the seriousness that my friends might possibly want to be with me. And the fact that I was failing multiple school classes. That I felt as though I wanted to say it was not worth it, wanting to some how believe that. But I’m not someone who pretends things, I don’t pretend to change my attitude for the appeasement of others nor if it’s for my own good. “So I say with disappointment in myself that I found the trip to be worth while.” (old opinion the day after the trip) Reminds me of a scene from Lord of War which portrays the moment well.
I cannot compromise those words. I would love to sugar coat the truth of it, I would love to say that it was not worth while, or say that it was not fun. I pay a price in being honest with myself, with my friends, with the climbing community. On the way down came a point where I was questioning my motives “Should I give up Mountaineering?”. If it comes to this, if what I do makes people miserable, or makes people worry, or causes troubles for others, is this really worth it? I then considered perhaps I should solo trips, but then comes the complication of self danger and worry from family and friends. So either of those don’t work…
I then was haunted with the words I thought of a long time ago: “Your no Hero Flow! Your just like everyone else. You only care about yourself.” which I absolutely don’t want to be a selfish person. The thought of it torments me. On the way down I felt absolutely terrible which I’ll spare you the details, but eventually we managed to get down to the car just fine. From here they drove me home. Going back to school I felt terrible for days from what had happened. Life after this trip became a whole lot harder…
The Creek at Night
The After Math: It was more damaging that I had originally had thought it would be. I had posted a trip report on SummitPost which I put it up late at night which I was tired. I figured I would strip out any of the drama of the story which unfortunately that was the version that both my partners saw as well as other friends. My school work had me to occupied to post the real version of what had actually happened. I was told it would be a long time before I went out with them. What bothered me was the situation was so avoidable, that I let my friends down, now believe that I’m out trying to manipulate trips, and that that I’m trying to appease my friends just so that I would be able to have a ride to a trip.
A Song that well portrays how I feel about the situation: I’m staring out into the night, Trying to hide the pain. I’m going to the place where love And feeling good don’t ever cost a thing. And the pain you feel’s a different kind of pain.
Well I’m going home, Back to the place where I belong, And where your love has always been enough for me. I’m not running from. No, I think you got me all wrong. I regret this life I chose for me. But these places and these faces are getting old, So I’m going home.
The miles are getting longer, it seems, The closer I get to you. I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you. But your love, remains true. And I don’t know why. You always seem to give me another try.
Be careful what you wish for, ‘Cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all, And then some you don’t want. Be careful what you wish for, ‘Cause you just might get it all… –Home by Daughtry
Me and my brother Michael have had many talks about the incident and I do not plan on letting anything like this happen again. I also came to the conclusion that I need to care more for myself because I have friends and family who worry for me when going on these trips.
The Solution: Since non of the other radical ideas would ever work out, I then decided then perhaps it would be fine me still going on trips, but with being more of a team member. Someone who always stands up for the team in any given situation, not just emergency’s or situations but even the simple stuff. I know the words above made it sound like nothing was gained, but remember, that was how I felt on the mountain. So even though I made tensions between my friends, my brother, and possibly anyone else who is reading this. I have learned another lesson, and I hope to set things right with this. I understand that this was a complete failure, and that I need to make things right. And that I should not have had anyone Left Behind.
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